wow, didn't realise it's been quite a while since i last logged on to blogspot and read/write blogs...

didn't really think i would write anything tonight. but after reading Charis' blog tonight, only one thing fell into my mind: it is more blessed to give than to receive.

she wrote about the blessings she's received through the people around her and how thankful she is to God for them.

all of a sudden i felt really ashamed of myself. so often, and especially lately, i've been grumbling a lot about not being as blessed as others. i often compare myself to many others and wonder why i'm not as blessed as they are. i wonder why God is not blessing me with all the good things that other people have. i have silently questioned God in this regard although not verbally voicing it. i have kept a disgruntled spirit within me and become generally unhappy with my life. i sometimes struggle with jealousy and envy towards others. this is one of the areas i struggle the MOST in. i try very hard not to be, but sometimes i just couldn't help being a little jealous or envious of others for what they have or when i hear good news about them or when i see how much God is blessing them in their lives. i know this is extremely dangerous. if i don't get out of this, sooner or later i will be consumed by this sin. which is why i really struggle a lot with it. i think all this stems from my inner beliefs that God is blessing everybody around me more than He blesses me. that's me and my self-centred, self-focused narrow mindset.

tonight, after reading what Charis wrote about God's blessing in her life, it got me sitting back and thinking, how could i be so selfish, always thinking about me, me, me?! all i'm ever thinking about is: why isn't God blessing me as much as He blesses others? why do others get this or that and i don't? what good is there in my life huh huh huh?

i'm probably the stupidest, most unappreciative person in the world. all along, God has put so many good things in my life which i haven't always thanked Him for.

tonight only one thing i'm reminded of: IT IS MORE BLESSED TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE.

of course! why hadn't i thought of that?? in retrospect, i have had many opportunities to bless others, and every such opportunity in itself is a blessing from God, because it is more blessed to give! God has often blessed me with the ability to give! and i had been so blind to not recognise that! there were even times when i let such opportunities pass me by simply because of my own selfishness! what a stupid person i had been all along!

God, i am so sorry for every complaint i made against You. I am so sorry for ever questioning Your love, Your blessings for me, and Your plans for my life. I am sorry for being so blind to all those opportunities You had placed in my life again and again, some of which I had willingly passed up based on selfish decisions. I'm sorry for always just seeking Your hands and not really seeking Your face. You have not given up on me nor stopped pouring your favour and blessings into my life even when i don't deserve them. I'm sorry, Lord. and I thank You, for every single thing, even single experience, and every single person You have put in my life to remind me to live this life for YOU and for others, not for myself!