A revelation so great; a realization so late

I grew up envying other kids for who they were, what they had, their family background, etc...the list goes on.

I was the timid, shy, reserved, confused, and naive one whom my six-year-old classmates conned, picked on, and sneered at. At the age of five (being born in December but joining the class of '81 babies), I did not really understand all these attitudes and behaviour from my young kindymates. Nonetheless, that created a form of confusion and misperception of myself - who I was, my self-image, my identity, and self-worth. In my young mind, I learned what it was like to be unpopular.

Growing up, I was always ashamed of my parents, the way the talk and behave, their strife-filled relationship with each other, and the bullying I received from my older siblings when we were all young children.

However, deep down in my heart, I've always loved my family dearly despite the fact that we always end up quarreling with each other when we talk.

Mum has been here for two and a half months so far, and inevitably we've had a quarrel followed by a cold war, and reconciled a week later.

This time round, I begin to discover what someone else's family, which I had always thought to be "perfect", is really like. It's changed my perspectives of my own family.

For the first time ever, I begin to see (not in a sadistic way, though) that my own family really isn't that bad after all. I realize just how unfair to them it is that I had been ashamed of them all this while - for no apparent reason.

I finally came to grips with the fact that really, there is no perfect family in this world. And the grass is always greener on the other side - so thinks the fool.

I called Mum last night, apologized for everything I'd said to and about her, told her I was actually proud of her and I loved her.

Right now, my heart is still grieved by the fact that I had lived my whole life feeling ashamed of my own family and who I was, as well as envying everyone else for everything and anything they had and were. How silly is that.

Today, I finally came to truly understand that God has a special plan, a uniquely-designed plan JUST FOR ME. No one else would do. Only I can fit into the plan that He has for me. And I am the one and only original YY that God has created.

What have I been doing all this while, trying to live out to be someone else that I am not, always envying other people for what they have and I don't, but not looking at what I have but others don't?

I can almost hear God saying: "Hey My beautiful princess, welcome home! You've finally found your way back to where you belong. I have all these blessings in store just for you. I've been waiting for you to come and claim them because they are specially made for you and not for anyone else (I have different plans and blessings for each one of them already)."

I need to show authentic proof of my own identity in order to claim my blessings at Heaven's freebie counter. No one else can rock up pretending to be me and get my blessings. Neither can I pretend to be someone else and get their blessings.

I thank God for my family, with their flaws and beauty. I love them. I will always be proud of them and not be ashamed of them. My identity, my self-worth and image are not based on my family's social status or performance. But rather, my identify is in Christ.

I thank God for who He has made me to be. I am a beautiful creation of His, and I won't be ashamed of myself anymore. I praise Him for His beautiful work in me, even right now.

And the envy I've had of others for so long - be gone! I don't need that anymore. God has a special purpose and plan just for me. I shall not waste anymore time looking at what others have and wish for the same. Instead, I've got to focus on what God has in store for me now and claim it in my life this day and going forward with confidence that comes from Him alone.

I gotta start living like a real princess!

Thanks everybody!!!

just feel like saying thanks to EVERYBODY.

I need to...

1. get a swimming cap. been swimming twice a week and the chlorine is damaging my hair to the core.

2. get hair conditioner for dry/damaged hair. everyday as i brush my hair through my fingers, it would get entangled and stuck between the fingers.

3. find that small suitcase for Mum and take it over to her.

4. dig out Bro's stuff for him, including a bluetooth earpiece he said i could use :)

5. convert WOW Hits 2009 Disc 2 into mp3 and transfer to my phone.

6. check the story of David and the loss of his son...

7. find host for song for my blog...if possible

8. get photos from Alvin (yay!)

9. pay electricity bill

10. remind Linna to bring the book for me on Sunday and meet Vanessa to get the stuff from Charlotte.

11. find my passions again... writing songs and making music...singing...dancing...finding my dreams once more...and find my beautiful heart once again. i lost it somehow, along the way. but now i wanna come back to that place, where i used to see myself beautiful. to be myself is beautiful, and i wanna be myself again...love myself...and love people with a genuine and sincere heart again...no more pretending to be who i am not...no more trying to perform to live up to the standards of this world...just wanna learn to see myself as God sees me once more...i know and i believe i am not a bad person, i am a precious princess of God...i have a beautiful heart, buried somewhere within. i wanna learn to accept myself as God accepts me just as i am...i will spread my wings and soar in the love of God once again...i am His beautiful child. i won't live in regret anymore...let God take all my mistakes and regrets in life, and turn them into great blessings instead...

last but not least, i look forward to catching up/hanging out/sleepover at Vanessa's place end of this month! yippee~

also look forward to 2-4-1 seafood buffet at Palazzo Versace next monday and movie 'Confessions of A Shopaholic' next Tuesday! woohoo!

This morning I read...

Excerpt from ‘The Power of A Positive Friend’, chapter: Mind Games – The Pitfalls of Assumptions and Judgments

“Dangerous Assumptions
It was December, and Debra was swamped. Not only did she have all the normal busyness that comes with being a wife and mother of two children during the holiday season, but she was in the middle of a huge project at work that needed to be completed before Christmas. On top of that, she had volunteered to direct her church’s Christmas musical, and rehearsals were scheduled for several nights each week. needless to say, Debra felt a little frazzled!

Meanwhile Debra’s dearest friend, Suzette, was enjoying the holiday season at a much slower place. Suzette worked part time from home as a makeup rep and volunteered at her kids’ school twice a week. As Christmas approached, Suzette left a message on Debra’s answering machine, asking when they could get together for their monthly lunch date. When she didn’t hear from Debra for a couple of days, she e-mailed her with the same request.

Debra was so distracted by work, kids, home, and church that she forgot to return Suzette’s phone call. And while she typically checked her e-mail regularly, she didn’t have a chance to sit down at the computer for several days. Debra assumed Suzette would understand. But Suzette had some assumptions of her own. Debra must be mad at me, Suzette thought, and that’s why she hasn’t responded. Suzette wracked her brain to figure out why Debra might be angry.

The only thing that came to mind was the fact that she had asked Debra several weeks earlier to host a makeup party for some of her office staff. Debra said she would do it, but not until January or February.

I bet Debra is mad because I’m trying to sell my makeup line to some of the women in her office, Suzette thought. She thinks I’m using her. That has to be it! Suzette began stewing. If Debra doesn’t support my line of work, how can she be a sincere friend? Maybe she’s not the friend I thought she was! And on and on went her thoughts – all based on one faulty assumption. Debra had no idea that a rift was developing; she was simply too busy to recognize there was a problem.

Before we judge Suzette too harshly, let’s admit it: We all tend to make assumptions about people and situations. Our brains are constantly trying to solve for X, even when too many variables are missing to arrive at a valid answer. Often our assumptions are based on partial truths that we believe are the whole truth.

Rather than asking questions and finding out the truth, we hang on to our assumptions and allow them to roll around in our minds, gaining weight and strength like a snowball rolling down a hill. Many times our assumptions prove to be false, but not before they roll off of our tongues in the form of gossip. Relationships are destroyed for reasons that turn out to be no reason at all.”

God, thank you for teaching me this lesson today…
I may be learning this a bit too late, but I have hope for future relationships/friendships.
I thank You, Lord, for every lesson that I go through in life.

"...never pretend to be who you are not..."

These few words really hit home hard tonight.

God, please teach me, help me to not pretend to be who I am not anymore.

Help me to stop trying to please others, trying to seek their approval and acceptance.

Help me to just be who I really am.

Help me to show people the real me, with my flaws and all.

MA28+

Last night I came home to find Dan's parents and sister watching one of my old DVDs: Daredevil.

Later, while I was licking away on a Heaven caramel and vanilla ice lollipop, a scene came up where B.Afleck and J.Garner were making out...in bed...in darkness.

Dan's mom, Aunty M (as I call her), immediately asked Dan's sister, Sarah, to skip the scene or rather, fast-forward it. Sarah didn't lift a finger.

Aunty M said: "Children under 18 should not be watching this."

Sarah quietly reminded her that we were all children over 18.

Aunty M then said again: "Well then, children under 28 should not be watching this."

I just sat there and chuckled...

But seriously, it was nothing like the "make-out" scenes we saw in The Watchmen last weekend. Other parts of the movie were so boring I kinda dozed off for a little while during the movie.

I'd more appropriately dub it as a porn-superhero movie. Value for money in terms of movie duration. The second-longest movie I've seen this year after The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

But at least Benjamin Button was enjoyable!

What's in a day

Nosepads and Smurf Poo
I'd been adjusting the nosepads on my glasses with my fingers simply because I'd been too lazy to drop by my sister's shop to ask her to adjust them with proper equipment for me. Then finally one morning at work, one of the nosepads broke as i was adjusting it.

Jeff immediately handed me a flat strip and said: "Here, you can stick it back with smurf poo."

It took me a couple of seconds to recognise the Blu Tac. Nice one. "Smurf poo?" I quizzed.

Without a blink he grinned and said: "That's right. Blueberries are what they eat."

"And it's high in fibre too," Dave chipped in.

Anger Management Candidates

1. Greg came by for a chat with us. I don't know what he was talking about at first, but eventually he caught my attention when he started telling of one of his golf playing experiences in NSW.

He and a friend drove to some golf course in NSW to play golf one holiday. As they were walking through the golf course, they noticed a man who was putting hard but missing the holes each time and they could tell his frustration in the way he hit the golf balls. The next thing they knew, the guy lifted the entire weight of his golf club, walked towards the lake, flung the entire load into the water, and stormed off.

Greg and his mate stood there watching, gobsmacked (golf clubs are not cheap). A few minutes later, just as they were about to walk on, they saw that fella walking back towards the lake, rolled up his pants above his knees, and began wading into the lake towards the golf club he'd just thrown in. So Greg and his friend thought, okay, so he's calmed down now and coming back to retrieve his golf club...

Much to their amusement, they saw the guy pull in the bag, unzip the side compartment of the bag, pull out a set of keys, zip it up, lifted the entire bag, and once again with all his might hurled the bag further into the water. Apparently he had forgotten his car keys in the bag earlier on and only realised it when he got to his car.

2. Then, Kimmy shared about a female friend of hers who one day sheepishly asked another guy friend who was an computer expert if he was able to fix her laptop. The guy friend asked what was wrong with her laptop. She then pulled out her laptop, opened it up, and shoved it towards the guy.

There was a hole in the middle of the monitor screen on the laptop. When asked what happened, the lady confessed that earlier at work that day, she had gotten so frustrated at an Excel file which failed to open up that she stomped on the laptop with her heels, resulting in a void right through the middle of the monitor screen.

Proverbs 24:26 "An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips"
Over the last two days, three cherished friends have been kind to admonish me gently with sincerity, honesty, truthfulness, wisdom and conviction in regards to my issue with lg. From them came encouraging words backed with heart-changing Bible verses. I truly appreciate all of it and will keep it in my heart.

Gold in the Rock
I ask Dan why he still likes me even though many times I have not been nice to him and have been a crappy person most of the time.

He says to me, it's just like gold mining - you have to dig through the rocks to get the gold. When you get a piece of ugly rock in which you know there is gold embedded, you don't just chuck it out - you keep digging and scraping off the outer layers until you get the gold within.

Foodies Meet Again
Eva invited us over for dinner yet again. This time she cooked vietnamese beef, chicken and tofu soup. On top of that, she gave me a copy of Women's Weekly: Low Carb, Low Fat cookbook.

Next week it's my turn to cook and I'll be presenting stir-fry baby octopus salad and tom yum goong - from that cookbook she just gave me. wahahahah.

We are taking turns to cook and try out new recipes each week (or whenever we can). Who knows, this might well be the birth of a food club for amateur cooking enthusiasts like us! Haha...