A revelation so great; a realization so late

I grew up envying other kids for who they were, what they had, their family background, etc...the list goes on.

I was the timid, shy, reserved, confused, and naive one whom my six-year-old classmates conned, picked on, and sneered at. At the age of five (being born in December but joining the class of '81 babies), I did not really understand all these attitudes and behaviour from my young kindymates. Nonetheless, that created a form of confusion and misperception of myself - who I was, my self-image, my identity, and self-worth. In my young mind, I learned what it was like to be unpopular.

Growing up, I was always ashamed of my parents, the way the talk and behave, their strife-filled relationship with each other, and the bullying I received from my older siblings when we were all young children.

However, deep down in my heart, I've always loved my family dearly despite the fact that we always end up quarreling with each other when we talk.

Mum has been here for two and a half months so far, and inevitably we've had a quarrel followed by a cold war, and reconciled a week later.

This time round, I begin to discover what someone else's family, which I had always thought to be "perfect", is really like. It's changed my perspectives of my own family.

For the first time ever, I begin to see (not in a sadistic way, though) that my own family really isn't that bad after all. I realize just how unfair to them it is that I had been ashamed of them all this while - for no apparent reason.

I finally came to grips with the fact that really, there is no perfect family in this world. And the grass is always greener on the other side - so thinks the fool.

I called Mum last night, apologized for everything I'd said to and about her, told her I was actually proud of her and I loved her.

Right now, my heart is still grieved by the fact that I had lived my whole life feeling ashamed of my own family and who I was, as well as envying everyone else for everything and anything they had and were. How silly is that.

Today, I finally came to truly understand that God has a special plan, a uniquely-designed plan JUST FOR ME. No one else would do. Only I can fit into the plan that He has for me. And I am the one and only original YY that God has created.

What have I been doing all this while, trying to live out to be someone else that I am not, always envying other people for what they have and I don't, but not looking at what I have but others don't?

I can almost hear God saying: "Hey My beautiful princess, welcome home! You've finally found your way back to where you belong. I have all these blessings in store just for you. I've been waiting for you to come and claim them because they are specially made for you and not for anyone else (I have different plans and blessings for each one of them already)."

I need to show authentic proof of my own identity in order to claim my blessings at Heaven's freebie counter. No one else can rock up pretending to be me and get my blessings. Neither can I pretend to be someone else and get their blessings.

I thank God for my family, with their flaws and beauty. I love them. I will always be proud of them and not be ashamed of them. My identity, my self-worth and image are not based on my family's social status or performance. But rather, my identify is in Christ.

I thank God for who He has made me to be. I am a beautiful creation of His, and I won't be ashamed of myself anymore. I praise Him for His beautiful work in me, even right now.

And the envy I've had of others for so long - be gone! I don't need that anymore. God has a special purpose and plan just for me. I shall not waste anymore time looking at what others have and wish for the same. Instead, I've got to focus on what God has in store for me now and claim it in my life this day and going forward with confidence that comes from Him alone.

I gotta start living like a real princess!